I suppose I should start by addressing my hiatus from blogging, which wasn’t so much a planned absence as an unintentional drifting away. I became unable to justify the time and energy that blogging was taking, even though I did enjoy it very much. I know, “You make time for what you love,” but also sometimes there are seasons of life in which you have to make sacrifices. Blogging got cut from the list. Also, there is Instagram which is, you know, more insta.
I don’t know if this post means I am going to return to blogging in any sort of regular way. This is just something that’s been on my mind and I needed to write it out. Then, because I recently read a book on forming habits and found out that I am an Obliger (i.e., more likely to follow through with something if I have someone on the outside to keep me accountable), I decided to share those thoughts with you, with the idea that I will be more likely to stick with this. So thanks for listening!
So, you know how people do that thing where instead of making a New Year’s resolution, they just pick One Word to kind of guide them through the year? Well, I’m joining that bandwagon. And my one word is: Imperfection.
Of course, One Word is a beautiful and simple thing, but really it’s kind of necessary to flesh it out and get some specifics, right? So that One Word for me becomes these words:
Don’t let the ideal get in the way of the real.
(This is something Jake says to me. Often.)
I am enough.
Trust Him; He’s got this; you are not in charge here.
Hey, Stupid, stop trying to be perfect all the time, no one is perfect and you are no exception to the rule so just get off your high horse.
(Ok, so that last one is not really in keeping with the tone of grace and forgiveness I’d like to be setting for myself this year, but once in a while we all need a kick in the pants.)
To sum it up (or perhaps just string things out a bit longer): I struggle with trying to do and be the best everything to everyone. (I’m not alone here, right?) I want to do things well, but in my effort to get it right I often fail to remember that there isn’t always one right way. I sometimes get so wrapped up in trying to figure out The Right Thing To Do, that I fail to trust that God will sustain me no matter which path I go down.
Often people’s One Word is something they want to be more of: e.g., mindful, brave, generous, curious. My goal here is not to get more imperfect this year (trust me, I’ve got that part down), but to accept myself, flaws and all. To stop always striving, imagining I can reach those lofty ideals I hold so dear, and not let those ideals paralyze me and prevent me from doing what is real and beautiful. This is an attempt at acknowledging that I will get things wrong, and I will still be ok, still be me, still be loved. This is me admitting that I cannot control every.little.thing. and having faith that God’s got this.
When I write it all out like that it makes me feel like kind of a moron (who’s she kidding, no one is perfect, why does she think she should be better than anyone else?). But I guess part of this whole exercise is admitting that I AM sometimes a moron, that I get things wrong, and trying to be more honest about it and move past the shame. And so I think I might actually hit that “Publish” button after all (even though it is already March and everyone is so over these One Word posts — see, imperfection!), and let the world become aware that I don’t have it all together. (Sorry if this comes as a shock to any of you!)